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rise up

I wrote this a couple of weeks ago (it’s all better now):

Hello there, dear few readers.
It has been such a long time since I wrote something.
I have been struggling for a while. I kept asking myself the last weeks and month if I should right about it or rather not and shut up like society would prefer. It is not pleasant or comfortable to talk about it like at a party, with friends at a café or even with your own family.
Better not talk about it. It’s all gonna be okay. It’s just something you made up. You made it up in your head so you can make it go away by yourself.
No your can’t make it go away that easily: Depression.
I was doing an internship last summer at a magazine. Fortunately my last major depressive episode – how the doctors call it and as it is written on the leaflet of the antidepressants i was taking back then – went away not even a month before the internship started. Lucky me.
So after this internship I went on a trip to Costa Rica and the United States and suddenly it started again. This feeling of numbness and the inability to be fully happy without fear.
I was in paradise surrounded by the ocean, nature, lovely people, surfing and good food and right there it hit me again. I knew it was about time to go home and I knew from the 4 times I had depression before of the feeling of it as it came up.
Scarred of being around people, always tired, anxious about even leaving the house. Not able of having a casual conversation, even with friends or family. Always this nervous feeling in my stomach, ever since I open my eyes in the morning. Having confusing dreams. Making decisions is the worst in those episodes.
And still I am still trying to act calm.

I keep on posting from now on a lot more. Stay tuned! Pah!

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